Continues from here.
I don’t think I need to remind you where I left off after our last sit down do I? Oh okay well here’s a quick recap. Simon sent me a parcel, so far in that parcel I’d found a sexy black and red underwear and bra set, the panties of which were crotch-less and had “Horny Devil” written on them. A photograph of Simon kissing me while I slept with my breast exposed and the words “Dreaming of you!” written on it and if that wasn’t enough there was a bag of chocolate dicks and a candy bra in there as well. To say I was speechless wasn’t quiet right, I wasn’t talking but not because I didn’t have any words, I had them but they nearly all started with ‘F’.
The thing was as much as Simon’s “please take me back” presents were very remarkable they didn’t in anyway prepare me for the final gift in the box. The final gift sat in the bottom of the box wrapped in it’s own fancy plastic wrapping designed to attract attention, and it did that! Stuck to the plastic packaging was a hand written note that said.
“Think of me!”
So I’m guess you know what it was by now?
Written on the top of the packaging were the words “Real Skin All American Whoopers.” To the left were the words “Seven inch Super Flexible vibe.” Need any more clues? I guess not I think you’ve already worked it out.
That’s right as a gift, which I think was intended for me to take him back, my ex sent me a 7” dick shaped vibrator. Not only that it was contoured, flexible, waterproof and multi-speed. Did I really need a boyfriend? I couldn’t quite figure out why a man would send the woman he wanted to get back together with a 7 inch dick shaped vibrator.
As you know from my recent escapade in the bath I am partial to a little plastic assistance from time to time and between couples they can be even more fun but do you just send one to someone via courier? What if I took him back was I suppose to use the toy with him? Did he want to use it on me? Did he want to use it on himself? Maybe he wasn’t actually trying to take me back, maybe the vibrator was a replacement, ‘here baby, you can’t have my 4 inches have a cool 7 and think of me,’ the last three words were on the note stuck to it. Ok that last one might have been a bit of a harsh dig but honestly I was just confused, it’s the last present I would think of sending someone who’d recently told me they didn’t want to see me.
So was I tempted to get it out and give it a test run? Would I love to invite Tom around for a night cap and ask him to give it a whirl? Not on your bloody life! I didn’t even take it out of the box. There was no way I was going to remove that sex toy from the box, if I wanted a new toy I was going to pick it out not Simon. Instead of removing the dildo I began picking up the items I’d already removed and placed each one back in the box on top of it. My method of repacking wasn’t as neat as Simon’s method of packing but I didn’t care. As soon as everything was back in the box and closed the flaps and went looking for the tape to reseal the box.
I spent about 20 minutes looking through the spare room for tape to reseal the box, I honestly thought I kept the room tidier than that but I guess I was wrong. Whilst looking for the tape I decided I was going to put a note in the box for Simon, it might have been the easy way out but I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone and I definitely didn’t want to face him. At the table I sat down to write the note.
Simon, (no Dear, not even a To, I was too annoyed with him.)
I am astounded that you think I would accept gifts from a person I have just broken up with.
Your choice of gifts is borders on offensive.
Why you’d even think I wanted such things from you is beyond my thoughts.
Please take this as my last contact with you.
I didn’t even sign the note. I was trying to keep the thing as brief as I could and as in-personable as I could in an effort to make Simon get the point. The guy had been told by Sonya more than once I was no longer interested, he’d be told by me in front of his ex wife and in front of my new boy friend that I was no longer interested in seeing him. He’d been ignored by me, hung up on my me and refused entry to my cafe yet he still kept pushing. I had my doubts as to whether the note would work but I wasn’t going to make it polite because he didn’t deserve it.
I placed the note on the very top of the box then folded over the flaps and stuck them down with tape. On top of the box I stuck another piece of paper, I was just about to write Simon’s address on the paper when a thought occurred to me. With his ex wife being such a pain and always sticking her nose into his business there was a fair chance she would open the box and not Simon. While I owed that woman nothing, she’d been a downright bitch to me since before I even knew her name, I still thought it was a harsh thing for a woman to open even if she couldn’t make up her mind whether she wanted Simon to be unhappy with her or happy with someone else.
I thought for a few seconds before deciding I’d address it to the record shop. Sure there was the risk of the girl Simon had working there opening it and upon seeing it she’d never look at him the same way again but if I wrote “Private” on the box maybe it wouldn’t be an issue.
With my mind made up I addressed the box and pushed it to one side on the table, because it had taken me so long to go through the box and then find the tape to reseal it I was getting quite hungry. I looked over at the clock on the wall, it was 8pm, no wonder I was hungry. I looked through the fridge and pantry for something quick and easy but there was very little so instead I just ate some yogurt and some fruit which was too close to turning to leave at the cafe.
Several times as I ate my dinner I looked at the box and wondered how I was going to get it delivered. Carrying it to work could be done but it would get awkward. I didn’t want to get my car out and drive to work just for a box and I didn’t want to wait around the house the following day for UPS to come and get it. It looked like carrying it to work was going to win out.