Ride Hard: A Difficult Answer

Continues from here.

So there I sat staring into Jack’s eyes while he waited for me to answer his question about what I wanted for my birthday.

Maybe I was making it more of a dilemma than it had to be but my mind was stuck on the issue of how much is too much, how much is not enough and it just didn’t want to budge.

“It wasn’t surprise that you asked the question, you’re a sweet and charming man, of course you aren’t going to forget my birthday.” I said trying to buy time as my brain found the right words. “I guess just hearing the words kind of made me think.”

“Think about what? Surely there is something you would like as a gift.” Jack said.

“I’ve got all I want right here!” I said as I pushed my arm behind his and pulled myself closer to him. It was as truthful as it was corny but I was still buying myself time waiting for my brain to catch up.

“So I should just put myself in a box and wrap myself up?” He replied with a grin.

“Oh yeah, I could be like a kid on Christmas day, unwrap the present, push the toys to one side and play with the box!” I joked and Jack laughed, I then kissed him on the cheek. “However I must say that there is no way I’d be disappointed if I got to unwrap you on the morning of my birthday!”

“I’m not really sure how I go about wrapping myself up. How about you give me some ideas that are a bit smaller which I can wrap myself, or would you like me to come up with the ideas myself?”

That statement lead me to explain my ideas on just expecting the other person to come up with the right gift without any consultation. “Surprises are good, they can be really fun but they can also be really stressful. You don’t know how nervous I was when it came time to give you the necklace and the watch. I don’t want you to go through that.”

“I am a big boy you know? I don’t want to get you the wrong gift, but I can always exchange it if I stuff up that badly.”

So the conversation wasn’t going quite the way I wanted it too but given it wasn’t a conversation I’d really had before I had no yard stick to follow. I definitely wasn’t trying to confuse Jack, or talk him out of buying anything but all those silly thoughts I’d been having on and off since we got together just refused to stay in my head.

“You wont stuff up! Anything you get me I’m sure I’ll love.”

“Then what’s the problem? Are you worried I’ll spend too much money on you?”

And there is was, almost as if Jack had been reading my mind. While the money spent wasn’t the only issue, most of the niggling little thoughts in my head were pretty much money related. The ‘did I spend too much?’, ‘did I spend too little?’, ‘why didn’t I spend more?’ questions might not have been rational but they were there. I decided it was time to just blurt out what was on my mind and let the cards land where they fell.

“I don’t know if it’s a silly female mind or just my silly female mind. I don’t want you spending a fortune on me Jack, love is not about money spent, but I also don’t want you to be upset that you couldn’t buy me something you liked.”

Once I started words kind of flowed, they might not have all be great words but they were still words that kind of made sense. My speech didn’t go on for too long but I seemed to get out all those silly thoughts that were floating around my head. While I spoke Jack listened without saying a word.

“Lastly, and I know you will say it’s not an issue but I can’t afford the sort of things you can and I don’t want you to be disappointed if my present to you in a few months doesn’t match up to what you give me.”

“It’s not an issue!” Jack said as soon as I stopped trying to lighten the load of the conversation.

He then kissed me on the lips, passionate, hot, but not long enough because I wanted it to last long enough for the discussion to be forgotten about. Of course that was not going to happen, the conversation had come too far.

You know how you hear people say that voicing a problem eases the load, a problem shared is a problem halved, etc etc, well if someone had said that to me at that point I’d have punched them in the head. That’s right there was no lessening of pressure at that point in time for me.

“Babe. I understand what you’re saying, I think. But honestly I’m not going to analyze any of that. I’m not materialistic like that.”

“I know you’re not, and I’m not saying you are. You are the most un-materialistic, is that a word?, person I know, it’s just the sort of irrational thoughts I have.” I stated feeling the pressure ease a little but not much.

“I wish I could stop such thoughts. I really do, but all I can do is tell you that I wont do any of those things your mind is worried about. I simply want to buy you the right gift, something you want, something you need, something you’ll love. There will probably be a surprise in the gift no matter what you ask for but I just wanted some ideas so that I knew I was on the right track.”

There was a sudden release of pressure in my mind. Honestly somewhere deep in my brain I knew talking about it was the answer, I just wish I could have brought myself to that point sooner, three months sooner would have been nice!

“Oh and one more thing,” Jack started, “even if I spent a million dollars on you I would not expect or want you to do the same for me. It’s not about what you can afford and not afford it’s all about the thought.”

“That almost sounds like a speech my mother used to give me when I was a child!” I said.

“Did you listen to her?”

“Yeah I guess so, although…”

“No need to go anything further. I’m sure we are on the same page.” Jack said before kissing me again.

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